BOOK 8
OPTIMISM WITH the UNKNOWN
CHAPTER 1
FINDING ANSWERS
How?
Through His word, the Bible. But He also shows me what to do at times. For
example! First of all! I had a appointment with Dr. Musa the 27th of
August. I was told before then, that he would decide what to do depending on my
blood work and cancer count. Well, he decided to give me two months off. I was
to see him in October.
The
Lord directs my thoughts at times to be more positive. I got to thinking when I
was by myself. I think Dr. Musa wants to wait until I’m cleaned out first
before he puts me on another chemo, in case that chemo drug is also strong. I
may be wrong. I do know he has his reasons for waiting.
I
had finished my needlepoint picture back in May. I finally found a canvas pad
to mount my picture on. It wasn’t going too well though, even after two
attempts. While I was playing skip-bo with Dad and Claire that night, an idea
came to me. So when I was done and had come back to my apartment, I put the
idea to work. Hurrah! It worked! Now I have it hung on my living room wall.
That was an accomplishment.
Sometimes
when I’m alone, things come to mind. It may be thought sabout my cancer or
other things. Then I’m reminded of how things have stayed in my favor. My left
kidney has stayed about the same, still working only 8% but still functioning.
My blood counts are good, and cancer count still stable and my weight is
staying maintained. So with all that in mind and not back on chemo, I was able
to enjoy Dad’s early 90th surprise party. Actually, we had full week-end
the labor day weekend. All of us kids were together.
I
also have found answers through reading other books. I also find it uplifting
when reading of another person’s life, also from where I came and where I’m at
now. I also have been doing some updates with interior decorating. I have magazines
on that particular subject and sometimes I watch a few decorating shows. That’s
how I get my ideas then plan on how to do it with saving money at the same
time. Then I weeded out some things I don’t use, arrange things to make my home
cozy and enjoyable
CHAPTER 2
LIGHT AND DARKNESS
Many
things were brought to my mind tonight. I just wished I had a pen to write it
all down. I was in church. Pastor was talking about darkness. A lot of things
are covered by darkness-some good some bad. In most ways, darkness is very bad.
There’s evil doings, feeling lost and blindness. It also shows that even when the
Lord seems far away, He really isn’t. He’s always there.
I
read a story about a young brave who was to go out alone and stay there through
the night in the woods. He wasn’t alone though because his father was standing
back a little ways behind him watching over him. When I stop and think about a few
fearful times after dark, I’m glad I wasn’t alone. Darkness can mean evil and
deceitful. I have told before that we have good security here and we do. I’ve had
a few phone calls from some guy saying he has a delivery here to make and
installation. I tell him he don’t and to leave me alone, then I hang up on him.
I make sure my door is locked.
They
may not even be who they claim to be. I’ve been down that road. I don’t trust
anyone that I don’t know. Besides! No one is to be here after 3:00 with
delivery or installation. These phone calls would be after 8:00. In spite of
darkness, we have promises God gave us and one is that we’re never alone.
I
have said before that I have to have positive thinking, optimism and
determination when dealing with cancer. I found out that I need to in other
areas as well more so than before. The Lord is helping me in other areas as
well to be a better person, to be more calm in many ways. I’m beginning to
enjoy this study more than I thought I would. I’m sure I’ll learn more. Ladies
Bible study also will be interesting as we will be talking about fruits of the
spirit.
CHAPTER 3
CONNECTIONS
I
went into Dr. Hassan’s office this morning the 23rd of September. I
was having my stent changed. I watched the screen while Dr. Hassan was working
to get the one stent out so to put the new one in. It seems that he was having
a hard time getting it out. It took him a little longer than usual this time.
It was somewhat of a sticky situation. I believe he was much relieved when he
got it out. The new one went in easier. I was thinking afterwards; I wonder how
it would’ve been if I kept holding back from having it done. I’m glad I didn’t
wait so to find out.
I
like to keep my appointments with all my doctors. How else am I going to find
out about this and that? I felt some uncomfortable after I got home after
having my stent changed that day. I expected it to be, but I had no bleeding
though. I kept my feet up all day except for when getting something to eat. I
even dozed off. I guess my antibiotic had worked
I
received the book for the Bible Studies we ladies have. I missed the first two
as I was out of town. Judy Comings came over with the DVD for her and I listen
to. It’s on ‘Living Beyond Yourself’. It has to do with the fruits of the
Spirit. All things I have heard and read are good reminders with more
understanding. So far it has helped me think differently and be more tactful in
many ways. Also, in many ways I think I learned how to not let things bother me
or get the best of me like my copier for one thing. It’s a daily challenge. I’m
glad I don’t have to do that alone.
When
I felt good, I’ve been busy rearranging my things. I got more of that to do to
get more organized. I do that from time to time. Then of course when I don’t
feel up to par, I don’t do too much I just take it easy. I need to learn not to
take too many jobs on in one day. I don’t have too. I do it though without
thinking about it though, especially when I do feel good.
I
know that when I feel I got off the track, I just need to ask the Lord to help
me get back on it. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect but He does expect
honesty. He knows our frame because He made us. I know I can go to Him anytime.
I find myself talking to Him a lot at nights. He’s one you can talk to as long
as you want to about anything. I thank
Him for being with me, helping me with everything.
I
see Dr. Musa the 15th of October. I wonder what my cancer count will
be. I do know that if it’s very high, that he’ll put me back on chemo. If it’s
not, then he’ll keep me off it. He still will keep an eye on it as he always
has before. He also checks by way of examinations.
I
was glad to have all of my family again back in August. All my brothers,
sisters, two nieces and their families came to Dad’s surprise 90th
birthday party. We had it then because we knew the weather would be more
predictable than in January. That was benefit of those who came from a long
distance. I was especially glad to have time spent with Barb and Dottie. I’ll
hear from them with phone calls from time to time.
CHAPTER 4
BIT OF NEWS
I
went to see Dr. Hassan this morning the 7th of October. He told me
He was going to have me go to the hospital the next time. At that time he’ll
check for any blockages when He changes my stent. If there’s none, then there
will be no need for stents. That will be sometime in December/January. I’m
trusting that even if there are no blockages, that he’ll continue to check on
my left kidney.
I’ve
been checking out a few of my documents I have on my laptop. I noticed that I
had two each of two different documents. So I had to get rid of one of each
document. This may be interesting. My first few books have been passed around
to few different ones both here in my apartment building and at Dr. Musa’s
office.
From
what I have heard Sunday nights and in our Ladies Bible Study, darkness covers
a lot with evil, unknown darkness. But being saved (a child of God) and focused
on Christ, there are many benefits. There are the fruits of the spirit and His
promises. I have learned to be more even tempered but still working in that
area with different things. That is worth being repeated. I’m trying to avoid
any situations of being tensed up. It’s not always easy but I keep working at
it.
I
found out that my printer/ copier does not like to do big jobs such as 20 or
more pages at a time. So to conquer that frustration, I’ll go to Staples to do
that kind of work. I’ll leave my laptop to do small jobs. Besides that will
make the ink last longer. I have discovered that doing it at Staples for two
hours more does not pay. I found that out the next day with aching back, legs
and feet.
CHAPTER 5
NEW INSPIRATION
I’ve
been inspired to write stories last year. That I did! I was busy writing,
typing and printing them then putting them into books. While I was doing that I
was learning a few things at the same time. I’ve written ten more stories this
summer.
As
much as I hate to, I need to cut down on spending for Christmas. That is, any
shopping for big things. So I’ve been looking for ideas of what I can make for the
most part. As I told my one sister, I couldn’t leave anyone out in the family when
I am doing for a few outside the family. I was in Tops one Friday to get milk.
When I was in the checkout, I noticed two Christmas decorating magazines so I
bought them too.
Of
course that night, I had to go through them. I found some ideas. I was inspired
to do them. Thankfully they came out alright so I was pleased. When I get fired
up to do a project, especially a new one, I get excited. Sometimes that takes
awhile for me to get to sleep. I’m almost done with them. When I get through
this Christmas, I have some ideas of gifts to make for next year-early. That
way I can avoid large crowds.
CHAPTER 6
ANSWERS
I
had appointment with Dr. Musa this morning on Wednesday the 15th of October.
First of all! When he examined me, he said there was nothing there anymore. I
was thinking-thank God for that. But I’ll have to stay on top of that to be
sure there will be no more problems like that anymore. When he was through, he
said to get dressed and come to the office. My cancer count went down from 115
to 110. So it’s coming back down. Who knows for how long? I’ll take it when it
does come down as I may have said before.
Everything
else is good too. I was surprised about my glucose staying put. I had a very
sweet tooth at one time in last two months. I was able to control it though. My
creatine was high. That was explained to me. As for how long I was chemo and
with that particular chemo for that long (like a year) it takes a long time for
my creatinine to come down. My counts were good. I’d say I better go at a slower
pace: slow down to conserve my energy even when I’m not on chemo. Thankfully I
have projects I can work on when I don’t feel very energetic. So not being on
chemo, I’m looking at it this way. I can go ahead in caring for some things
like shopping, maybe do a few parties
and enjoy the holidays.
I
mentioned before about my cancer count. Sure! It would be good if it could get
to 55. It may not get down there though. It could go up again. Right now it’s
in a stable area. So I’m not going to worry about it. I’ll just continue to do
what I need to stay healthy and enjoy myself. This weekend will be busy
starting early tomorrow-Thursday. We’re going to a cousin’s birthday party in
Pa. My brother is driving us down. Then this afternoon Dad told me his youngest
brother, our uncle, passed away this morning. He had cancer. His chemo
treatments had been doing a number on his whole system. Then he had a stroke.
His burial will be Sunday morning. Now I won’t see him anymore-not now. I’ll
see him when I go to heaven some day.
Remember
me telling you of my idea with a card I started with? Well that was a flub. I
know why though. So I’ll try again with the paint. I bought a paint set that’s
like markers. Early this afternoon I went to Dollar tree to get some glitter
glue then I went to Tops to get some milk. While I was in the checkout, I saw
two Christmas decorating magazines. I bought them too. I just got through
looking at them both tonight. They had some neat ideas for Christmas ornaments.
While I was looking at them, I had some ideas for how to do them. The next day
I went into the living room and got out some Christmas stamps to use. Next I
decided to do one card with glitter glue. I only plan to use the glitter glue
on some cards.
I
have 367 cards to do before Christmas. Then I’ll have cookies to make,
decorating my apt, do some shopping. I don’t want to have to hurry so to burn
both ends of the candle [figure speaking]. It’s good that I’m not on chemo now [not
that I wouldn’t if needed to]. I also hope to do some things on my laptop if I
have time.
CHAPTER 7
ASSURANCE
I
had said once that I was told even twice that if I hadn’t had chemo all the
time I was on it, I wouldn’t be here. I also had said I would take chemo as
long as needed. Well I’m in remission again for the fourth time. I had always
trusted Dr. Musa’s judgments and I still do. I would have some concern though
in back of my mind how I’d do without it. Well, it worked out for me and I’m
still here. Well like in other things I’m slow in grasping understanding with
this cancer. I had a lot of thinking though lately. It was because of my Uncle.
Of course, I know it’s not the same way for everybody. Everybody is in
different shoes so to speak.
I
do know that chemo while it’s fighting cancer cells, it can also raise havoc
with your body. I had some experience like that with the last chemo drug. So as
long as my cancer count is stabilized and coming down at times and Dr. Musa is
keeping an eye on things, I’ll just keep going on doing what I can-having
office visits with him, going for blood work and have examinations. The
maintenance treatment he put me on back in ’02 sure did it’s job of helping me
survive. I just turned 67 yesterday the 2nd of Nov. (2008). I read
somewhere a quotation once. It was this. ‘Never Deny your age” because it’s
been denied to many people. That’s true. I’ve known some who hadn’t reached the
age where they wanted to be.
I
was given two gift cards. I used one that was for Walmart to get supplies for
Christmas projects. The other one is for Staples. I hope to be able to use that
one soon. I need ink for one thing. I
also felt good today-real good. I may be in long remission or a short one. Time
will tell. I’ll just keep on keeping on [ never will give up]
CHAPTER 8
PROJECTS
I
had mentioned lately about being inspired about a project. It was a new one.
I’ve never done it before. That’s why I was pleased with the outcome. I made
paper ornaments for Christmas. I was told by a family member that everyone had
everything they needed. More I thought about it, more it didn’t cut it for me.
How can I give to friends and not to my family?
So I took a few ideas from the decorating magazine and started doing
them. I decided I would give them something they didn’t have but could use. My
sister Barb for one. She and Lew are living in a motor home so they don’t have
very much room. So I’m thinking of what they would enjoy more.
I
read somewhere also that home made items sometimes are more enjoyable coming
from the heart. [That is if they come out alright.] It’s my token of
appreciation for them taking me to Syracuse for Dr’s appointments and chemo
[when I’m on them] Everyone else may not have that same means of
transportation. I also do and be there for Dad. He takes me for my appointments
here in Cortland. So I try to do what I can to show my appreciation for all
they do.
I
thank God every day for giving me that day. Therefore I try to make the most of
it in a useful way. I have many projects going. I’m never bored. I discovered a
long time ago that having hobbies and projects is a very healthy way to go.
When you’re busy doing something, you’re thinking of what you’re doing and
thinking positive thoughts at the same time. I happened to think of this few
days ago. Whatever we do, does cost money to do it.
I’m
not a cook, baker nor a seamstress on big scale. I can do some of each of what
I can do. My favorite pastime is stamping, stenciling and writing. I read
somewhere that we shouldn’t deny our age because many people don’t reach their
desirable age[where they want to be. I thank God for every day He gives me.
Therefore I aim to make every day a profitable one. I have more projects going
than I can do in a day.
CHAPTER 9
HOLIDAYS
Holidays
mean a lot me. There are some that are more special than others. There’s
Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas. That’s because it’s spending
time with family. Dad came from a big family. Of course that meant lot of
cousins for us kids. I remember one Easter. Mom had everyone on Dad’s side for
Easter: Aunts, Uncles and cousins. We were on a farm so we had plenty of room
for everyone for dinner. That was when Grandmother Nelson was alive.
Then
at Christmas time, on Christmas Eve, We would go to one of Dad’s sister’s or
brother’s house for Christmas. Then we would come home and have our own. Then
the next day, Mom’s family and their kids would come for dinner and Christmas
gifts. After that, several years later, Dad’s one sister, her husband and
daughter, and two Great Aunts and Uncle would come on Christmas day and we
would do likewise. Later like in the 60’s, My sisters, Brothers and their kids
would come on Christmas Eve. At that time I was always able to make it home
from my job for the holiday. Mom and Dad had Christmas up to like 20 years ago.
Then My brother Bob and Teresa had it at their house and still do. We have it
Sat after Christmas though.
Mom
isn’t with us. This is the 2nd year without her. But she left many
good memories of all she has done. Dad’s neighbors and our friends try to be
there for Dad and do what we can for
him. I plan to start after the holidays to start my ideas for next Christmas
for next year. It doesn’t hurt to start early. It beats the large crowds later
on in the stores.
In
spite of few rough times, this has been a good year. I think I have learned a
lot in lot of ways. With God’s help, I know I can continue on.
CHAPTER 10
STRETSHING OUR LIMITS
What
do I mean by that? I mean that whatever we set out to do, we make way for
things to work out for the best. I remember when I was a kid like 10/12 years
old. My parents had to do with what they had. I remember one Christmas when Mom
told me to think of one thing I wanted most. All of us four kids then, was
going to get just one present. I remember thinking to myself - I couldn’t ride
a two wheel bike. So I told her I wanted a wagon.
We
were going to our one Aunt and Uncle’s house on Christmas Eve. Dad and Mom sent
us kids to the car to wait for them. Then they turned off the lights so we
couldn’t see what gifts they were putting under the tree. When we got home, I
was so excited that I couldn’t get my boots off fast enough. I did get my wagon
-a red one, Jerry a bike, Dottie a small cedar chest and Barb a rag doll.
Four
or five years later when Mom was expecting Bob; she put a different letter on
each package. That way we couldn’t tell who’s pkg was who’s. She put like all
what I was getting in one box and likewise for the other three kids. I remember
too that back in the 60’s, when I was working in Whitney Point, Barb wrote to
me. She was in college that year. She told me Dad and Mom was having a little
harder time so we may not get much. So at Christmas time when I came home, I
was surprised, because I was not expecting anything. I don’t know how Mom and Dad
did it. They gave what they could. We always liked our gifts and appreciated
them.
In
the meantime, I tried to make it up to them by doing what I could for them.
There were 6 of us kids then. Jerry was married and so was Dottie. I didn’t make
big bucks then so I don’t know how I did it either but I got every one
something. Family has grown with few in-laws, nephews and nieces and now some
grand nephews and nieces.
I
may have said before, I was told that everyone has everything. Well, I can’t go
completely cold turkey and not buy for any of the family. I just have to go on
smaller scale. I made some items and had some I had on hand and treat bags. I
also make my Christmas cards as most of you folks already know. I just try to
use new techniques. I just do what I can do to stretch my dollars. I also have
discovered that shopping early to avoid big crowds and making gifts early will
be much easier and enjoyable. So I aim to start early the first of next year.
CHAPTER 11
JOY IN GIVING
I
remember when I was just a kid. I wanted to give to others. As I had mentioned
before, my brothers, sisters and I didn’t have allowance. We were given money
though at special times. I remember one Christmas. Mom asked us if we wanted to
chip in and buy something for our one great aunt. I wanted to give her
something from me personally. I didn’t have enough money to buy something nice
nor did I have any idea at that time to even think of making something. So I
think I chipped in with my brother and two sisters.
Then
when I started working away from home and got paid, I was able to do a little
more for my family and a few relatives. Our family wasn’t too big then yet. I
was able to buy something for everyone. Christmas has become a special holiday
to me and still is. That to me means spending time with family, doing for them [shopping]
and special things going on. Back then, as I was growing up, we had Christmas
programs to practice for.
Back
then we didn’t need written permission to get off the bus for practice. Our bus
driver and his family went to our church. They also were our neighbors. We had
one lady who was in charge of us when we were practicing. She also went to our
church. Then we also had Christmas doings at our 4-H club. Back then when, I
was working out, I didn’t get paid big wages but I was able to get what I
wanted for my family.
I
still buy for everyone in my family even though it has grown. I have a few nephews
and nieces, nephews in-law, grand nephews
and nieces I buy for but on small scale. Everyone gets something. I
don’t feel I can buy for friends and not for family. I probably will do for
them as long as I can. Who knows how long any of us will be here or if I can do
this? I found out though that there are some things I can make and my cards I
make. When someone is pleased with a card I made and gave to them, that
pleases me too. I believe The Lord gave
me that gift of making cards so I use that ability to do it well
CHAPTER 12
HUSTLE AND BUSTLE
Know
the song -SILVER BELLS? I couldn’t help but to think of that song tonight.
People going here and there to do this and that. Imagine shoppers hustling to
get their shopping done, store clerks putting merchandise up-some to see and
some to display. I was hustling to get cards out to this and that one at church
when there was time to do. Then I was thinking. What’s the big hurry and big deal?
I can mail the rest.
My
sister Barb called me tonight before I went to church. She told me Sean was
going to Sara’s for Christmas. So I just added his gift to her package to mail
out. I discovered I need to do more cards because I Can’t find the other ones.
So if I end up finding the other ones, I’ll just use them next year. I’ll just
have to put them with the Christmas decorations.
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